Illusions of Control
by schemester
Summary: He was in control of his life, wasn't he? The Dark Lord wouldn't put up with doubts, after all...    ON HIATUS
1. Prologue

**Author's Note:** I will update this, though right now I'm just trying to sort through the ideas in my head to see exactly which one I should continue this with. I'll probably try to write a few chapters at a time and upload one every week or so.

**Disclaimer:** I'm not J. K. Rowling.

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><p><strong><em>1980<em>**

Severus held Dumbledore's letter in his right hand, scanning over it again:

_Yes, it is to one's advantage to have a lucrative career. Certain jobs don't afford the luxury of what most wizards would consider a normal lifestyle, I understand. Hogwarts is not just about the pay, though, Severus, and I hope you understand that. You will have to deal with many types of young witches and wizards._

He skimmed over the next few lines, muttering to himself as he walked up the stairs.

_I can meet with you at the Hog's Head in Hogsmeade next week, preferably next Tuesday evening, if this is convenient for you. If not, please send me an owl back with a better time. Send an owl back anyway, just to confirm a suitable time._

_Sincerely,_

_Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore_

Why he had signed his whole name, Severus didn't know, but that wasn't part of his business. His business was, well, something he kept tucked inside a minuscule corner of his mind. The Dark Lord had warned him of Dumbledore's skill at Leglimency and Occlumency…

He planned to go to bed soon after he washed up and read by the window of his rented room. If it had been a better time, he might have taken a stroll around the Hogwarts grounds, but it was known, his allegiance… and there were too many horrible memories at that school. He knew he would only see Lily everywhere, hear her laughter, inwardly cringe when he remembered the night she had shut him off forever.

Severus scoffed, shutting her off as well for the time being. He started to clear his mind when he walked by a door and heard a familiar voice…

"Thank you for coming by, Sibyll, but—" Dumbledore's voice was cut off by an unearthly, gruff feminine voice; Severus froze for a moment, backing up as he heard it…

_"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches… Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…"_

A rough hand grabbed and pulled at the hood of his robes; Severus whipped his head around and found himself staring at Dumbledore's brother who looked so much like him, Aberforth.

"You — heard — NOTHING!" Severus blinked, steeling himself under the younger Dumbledore's heavy heated gaze. He nodded, reaching up to grab Aberforth's arm. Aberforth ignored him, though; seething, he half-dragged Severus to the front of the pub, banging the door open and throwing him out onto the cobbled stone street.

"My things, though—" Severus reached an arm out, as if he could bring them to him without his wand. Aberforth, his arms crossed, looked down at him before he stepped aside, allowing Severus a moment to point his wand out and accio everything to his side.

The door slammed shut afterward, leaving him to adjust to the darkness.

Severus huffed, picking himself and his shrunken trunk off the ground. He stuffed it into one of the pockets of his robes, casting his eyes upward to look at the moon shining down through thin clouds.

He had nowhere to go for the evening, and it was more than doubtful that Dumbledore wouldn't even speak to him now. It was far-fetched in the first place, but this was what the Dark Lord had wanted him to do. Severus knew it was futile to ask the Dark Lord why, but had he known something like this would come out of it? He raked a hand through his hair and made his way down the street, his eyes flicking back and forth in the vague hope that he'd find another place to stay, anywhere.

Fortune just wasn't on his side, though. Severus sat down against an alley wall, bringing his legs up to his chest; he had to give this information to the Dark Lord, didn't he? If he didn't, he would be murdered anyway. He couldn't keep something of this much importance tucked away in his mind from his master.

But it meant a child, a mere baby, would be killed.

_What do you care, though, Snape,_ a little whisper said, _You've aided them in murdering countless other dissenters. What is one more, one more to end it all?_

Severus violently grabbed his head in his hands, his wand clenched in one. He couldn't get out anymore, he was too far in.

With a curse directed at himself, foolish bastard, Severus stood and disapparated to his parent's home, empty of their presence for several months now. The musky scent never vanished, though, no matter how hard he tried to rid himself of it.

After fixing himself something small to eat, Severus sat on the torn sofa, fabric frayed in several places. He lit a fire with a swish of his wand, mulling over what he had heard. Thrice defied the Dark Lord… the couple must be held in high esteem within The Order, that he was sure about. And the woman must be with child already, as July was quickly approaching…

He forced himself to shut off his mind then… If he thought about it too much, Severus was certain he would figure out exactly who the prophecy spoke of.

He wouldn't allow that to happen.

He couldn't back out now.


	2. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **This chapter is set in the fall of Snape's sixth year, a few months after his falling out with Lily.

**Disclaimer: **Still not J. K. Rowling.

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><p><strong>1976<strong>

The Daily Prophet landed in front of his breakfast plate, an owl cocking its head at him for payment. Severus grunted and paid the thing as his attention focused in on the headlines.

"Another attack on some Muggles…" he murmured, just loud enough for his housemates sitting near him to hear. Mulciber turned away from his conversation with Avery to pull the paper towards him.

Severus raised an eyebrow in question, _one of our doing?_ Mulciber met his gaze and nodded, hardly containing a smirk. He then gave the paper to Avery, who skimmed it and then threw it at Wilkes, snapping about 'how things were done.' Wilkes was involved in their group, but Severus felt more of a kinship with him than Avery or Mulciber—he was a man of learning, almost more of a Ravenclaw than a Slytherin. Avery and Mulciber always outshone him, though, which made him the butt of jokes yet also a valuable asset.

Wilkes directed his attention towards Severus, "Defense Against the Dark Arts today; right, Snape?" His tone was languid, as usual, like he didn't have a care in the world. Severus smirked.

"Professor Wright and his utterly _fascinating _speeches, yes."

"Such a bloody idiot," Avery broke in, leaning over in his seat to join the conversation. "He's playing into our hands; he'll be gone before the end of the decade."

"Watch yourself, Avery," Severus hissed, raising his eyebrows and gesturing with his eyes towards the faculty table. Dumbledore was onto them, probably onto all of Slytherin House. Not that every single Slytherin planned to join the ranks of the Death Eaters once they came of age… Narcissa Malfoy, for one; though she was gone, her memory remained with many (mostly female) Slytherins. Most aspired to be like her, though from letters he received from Lucius, Severus knew that none could measure up.

On the way to class, Wilkes fell into step beside Severus, nudging him on the shoulder, "How're you doing on the new hex, Severus?"

"Ah…" Severus tucked a hand into his pocket and brought out his notes, lowering his voice, "I'm almost done with it, _calco tergum_. It should make the target feel as if thousands of feet are beating on their back, making them fall over in, well, immense pain." He shrugged, putting the notes back inside his pocket and patting them down with a sure hand.

Class was a bore; Severus spent most of his time modifying his new hex while taking cursory breaks to look as if he was paying attention. At least enough to pass his exams. His former goal of being an ideal student had gone to waste several months ago, around the time he and… Severus let himself look at the back of Lily's head for a moment. He found himself clenching his teeth slightly, wondering how long it was going to take for him to just get over her, like she had obviously forgotten him already.

Professor Wright's voice droned over his thoughts, and Severus slipped back into his indifference, listening for a few seconds, jotting down some notes with his quill. Nonverbal spells and patronuses—expecto patronum—total concentration and determination for casting nonverbal…

"Sir," Severus looked up; James Potter's hand was waving in the air, "Sir, when are we going to practice casting the patronus charm?"

Wright lowered his rectangular glasses, looking over them at Potter, "It would do you well to learn that you cannot just blurt out whatever is on your mind at any time, Mr. Potter,"—Severus relished the slight grimace on Potter's face—"But to answer your question, we will start the practical portion two weeks before Christmas break."

James returned to whatever he was doing with Black by his side, and Severus shared a knowing look with Wilkes, the corner of his lip fighting with his will to not smirk at Potter's idiotic brashness.

When classes ended for the day and they sat back in the Slytherin common room after dinner, though, Severus leaned back in his seat, arms crossed behind his head as he lambasted Potter.

"Reckon he'll be one of our easier targets," Mulciber commented while he pulled out a self-lighting cigarette from his pack. The instant his lips wrapped around it, a flame lit at the end. Severus watched him take a drag off it, resting his head on one of his hands.

"Don't be so sure about that, Mulciber," he said, "As long as he has Black and Lupin with him—"

"Well, we can easily separate them." Severus glanced over at the quiet but sure voice coming from a handsome black-haired boy sitting in between them all, his book laid down beside him, fingers intertwined.

"Sergio…" Severus said, "Care to illuminate us with your thoughts, finally?"

"Why, yes, Severus," Sergio steepled his hands in front of his mouth, his elbows resting on his thighs as he stared into the blue-green fire that cast the common room in a cool glow. Not knowing why, but he felt himself somewhat flinch whenever he met Sergio Black's dull, almost lifeless grey-green eyes. He sometimes wondered if it was because they were the exact opposite of Lily's.

"Do a few simple nonverbal curses to tie up or bind Lupin and Black as we take what Potter loves most—Lily Evans, the _mudblood_." Severus instinctively started to curl his fingers into a fist, but stopped himself in time. Instead, he brought them up to casually scratch his nose. "He would leave his friends for her. I'm sure of that."

"What about Pettigrew, though?" Mulciber asked, but Sergio only chuckled.

"That idiot? He'll be the easiest of them all…"

"Scared of 'is own shadow, he is." Severus looked up to see Evan Rosier coming over to them. He leaned over and rested his elbows on two seats, "Pretty sure if I did this"—he pulled his hood up as far as it would go, casting a shadow over most of his face as he sneered—"he'd wet 'is pants."

Rosier was a year below the rest of them, but he was still held in high respect for his dueling capabilities, of which he'd shown during a DADA practical for the first time back in their fifth year, his fourth. He'd told them about it, wanting to gain some sort of respect, and Severus had talked them into giving the kid a chance. And he had been right—Rosier, as his father, was one of the best duelists on their side.

"Snape!"

Severus pulled himself away from his thoughts, eyeing Avery, "Yes?"

"You're the best at it, so—"

"Yes, yes, I'll be back soon," Severus raised his palms in defeat; once he'd started getting late night snacks for the group, he was named their unofficial food fetcher. In a way, he was glad to get away from the dungeon common room every now and then. Gave him time to think.

He almost had no use for an invisibility cloak, at least while going through the dungeons. Small dark crevices hid him easily whenever a prefect went by, not that many came down for a long period of time. His robes and hair blended in with the stone walls, too. As far as he could remember, he'd only had once close call before reaching the end of the dungeons.

Footsteps were the hardest to conceal because of the bloody floor and the silence. If he could only apparate inside the castle, he'd be fine… well, once he got his license. During these times, though, it would never be possible.

Severus leaned his body against the wall leading out in the Great Hall. Craning his head around, he stuck the end of his wand out and whispered, "Homenum revelio." He let himself look further, spotting a marker over Professor McGonagall as she walked up the Grand Staircase; she paused, and Severus slapped a hand to his forehead. He'd forgotten that targets felt the spell.

He waited, straining his ears to see if she was coming back down the stairs. Several seconds passed until Severus could breath easily again; the sound of her steps was becoming fainter. He allowed himself a soft sigh before he looked around again, seeing no markers this time.

The rest of the trip to the painting that opened up into the kitchens was uneventful until he reached the last turn in his path. As with the other bends, Severus backed his body up against the wall, taking a look around the corner with one eye.

"… Shit," he muttered. Lily Evans, of all the people he _didn't_ want to see, leaned against the wall opposite the painting, presumably waiting on someone to come out from the kitchens. She held her wand in her hand, her face screwed up in concentration—Severus wanted to laugh; it was… undeniably cute. But since he'd stupidly called her that _word_, they hadn't spoken like they used to, and barely at all anymore.

He could still enjoy her from a distance, though, couldn't he? Like any other boy. Severus bit his lip, touching his hair lightly as he looked at her, the dark red hair, those bright and beautiful green eyes, and the smile dancing over her lips as someone came out of the portrait…

James Potter, _again?_

Severus kept himself from lashing his anger out at the wall; silently seething, he watched James come out with a basket full of sweets.

"Did you get _anything_ remotely healthy?" Lily asked with a sigh, rolling her eyes. Severus would have enjoyed the comment if not for that teasing smile she gave him, the smile she used to give _him_ instead. Everything had been turned around. Severus hugged himself, fingers grasping at his robes, his brow knitted in anguish until he heard their steps growing closer.

Where was he supposed to hide? He didn't fancy a run-in with either of them, least of all together. He glanced around the hall until he spotted an almost unnoticeable door; it blended in near perfectly with the wall itself. He rushed to it, quietly opening it and sliding inside. It was a tiny broom cupboard, even for his skinny frame.

"Come on, you health nut; a few sweets really aren't going to hurt you, y'know," Potter said.

Lily giggled; another tear at Severus's heart, "You nit, I know that. Now come on, you have the cloak, don't you?"

"Yeah, yeah. Hold the food, will you?"

Severus heard them exchange the basket, and then a cloak swishing in the air. What was "the cloak," though? He was curious, but he wasn't a Ravenclaw who couldn't contain it. Their footsteps became quieter when they put the cloak on, though; there was no mistaking it. He waited for several more seconds, and then cracked the door open enough to look down the hall.

Neither of them was there. And Severus couldn't just forget what they looked like, Potter with his unruly hair and a hand almost constantly ruffling it, Lily with her effortlessly perfect dark red hair, and… he couldn't forget them. Even if he _wanted_ to forget Potter.

He still heard them, though, even if their voices were becoming fainter. Severus stepped out of the broom cupboard, wiping dust off the bottom of his robes when he heard Lily again.

"Let me… just… re-situate this thing, James…"

Severus glanced up towards the source of her voice, and his lips parted when he saw one of her eyes looking at him—only that one eye and that side of her face. He stood all the way up and backed away—an invisibility cloak? Potter had one of them? Severus could hardly believe it—he stifled a curse and held his index finger in front of his lips, slipping around the corner and out of sight.

His heart pounded. Severus let out a breath he'd been holding since seeing Lily look at him again, without hatred but… surprise. It was a change, but he couldn't hold onto it… that was over. That entire friendship and anything it could have turned into.

Get over it.

Get over her.

He still had to get the food, anyway. It was a quick trip, just placing the same orders as usual, waiting for the house elves to give him more than he asked for… the usual thing. Severus kept his mind away from Lily and her eyes, watching the elves prepare the food and bustle around him; at least none of them gave him distrustful or hateful looks.

Ever since he'd learned the shrinking spell, getting back to the common room hadn't been that much harder of a task. Tonight, on the plus side, no one was patrolling the Great Hall or around the basement any more.

"Ah… great to see you back, Snape!" Mulciber almost attacked him when he came back through the entrance to the Slytherin common room. Severus grunted in response, knowing that Mulciber, big-boned as he was, was really only interested and happy at the sight of food. The fact that it was "stolen" made it even better in his eyes.

Wilkes asked him several minutes later if he was going to eat anything, and apparently he had to ask twice before Severus answered.

"What? … Oh, no, I'm not hungry, Anderson," he said, his eyes boring into the fire in front of him. He almost started when one of the flames danced, and he swore he saw Lily's eye staring at him in surprise again.

_Get over her, Snape. It's for the best._


	3. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **All of the "new" spells I've used in this chapter have come from the Harry Potter Fanon Wiki. Thanks for reading! :)

**Disclaimer: **Still not J. K. Rowling.

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><p><strong>1979<strong>

They apparated to a country lane, a lone cottage, some stories high (held up by magic, presumably)…

"We could only get this near to it," Avery said. "Still… such idiots, these mudbloods." He sneered, and Severus clutched onto the handle of his wand, flicking his gaze from Avery to Mulciber and then Wilkes.

"Remember, we're here on a job," he said, feeling the need to remind at least Avery and Mulciber what they were really here for. They tended to get… carried away.

"…Yeah, but what's the harm in _playing_ with them a bit before we green light 'em?"

Severus almost put a crick in his neck because he whipped it around so fast to see where the new voice was coming from. Rosier had apparated in behind them, scratching idly at his dirty, windswept hair. There was a malicious glint to his dark blue eyes, bloodshot as they were.

"'Green light' them; that's your word, isn't it, Rosier?" Wilkes asked, lazily running his fingers along the length of his wand.

Rosier smirked, "With the amount of time I have my hand on my wand, I've 'ad to come up with something else, you arse. And saying AK isn't my thing."

"Oh, so you _aren't_ just blood thirsty to kill everything in sight?" Avery crossed his arms over his chest, his own wild dark brown hair blown about by the harsh winds. Severus sighed and started to walk towards the house on his own, only to hear them trailing behind, one of them running to him and placing their arm loosely around his shoulders.

He saw Wilkes' dingy ginger hair out of the corner of his eye, and then his silky voice in his ear, "C'mon, Severus, let 'em have a bit of fun, yeah? Then we can AK them."

Severus sighed, "All right, but we can't stay too long, though. The Order _will_ come, you know."

"And you'd rather not face your old mudblood girlfriend, eh?"

He snarled and pulled away from Wilkes, "Shut it, Anderson. She was never my bloody girlfriend. Didn't think you were that _dim_."

Wilkes shrugged and then turned around to the others, "Okay, we have a few minutes here. Do what you will, but when it's time to AK them, it's _time_. No dawdling about."

Rosier looked as if someone had just told him that Christmas had been cancelled forever.

"Now shut up and c'mon, you lot," Wilkes finished, turning about face as he put on his mask. Severus followed his fellow Death Eater, slipping his own mask onto his face. He turned his head, checking that the others had put theirs on as well. He saw Rosier grinning at him out of his; he almost wanted to vomit at whatever he might be conjuring up to do to this couple.

_No going back._

"Mr. and Mrs. Wilkinsonnnnn," Avery said in a strangely high-pitched voice, but then he changed, whispering, "We've come to _play_."

He whipped his wand out, "Bombarda!"

The front door blasted away, and Severus went in first, quickly casting the anti-disapparition jinx over the house and several meters of the surrounding land.

"Wilkes, Mulciber, come with me," Severus hissed, "Avery and Rosier, you can search the other end of this place."

"And what makes you boss, Snape?" Mulciber said angrily.

Severus only smirked and pointed to his head, "Common sense, Mulciber. Wilkes and I need your strength. Avery and Rosier will do fine on their own without you. Now come on."

Mulciber glared at him for a moment, but then his gaze softened a little bit. Not that he ever looked _gentle_. Severus couldn't even imagine it.

Severus led the way, his stealth an asset as they rounded corners and searched the rooms for any sign of enchantment or clue to the Wilkinson's hiding place. They'd already tried homenum revelio to no avail, "They've got some sense in them, at least," he had commented offhandedly.

The three of them were climbing a flight of stairs to another smaller room (they shrank in size as they continued up), when Wilkes placed a hand on Severus's chest, a finger on his lips, "Heard something." It was only a whisper.

Then an explosion resounded from the opposite end of the house.

"Fucking hell, can they be any louder?"

Minutes later Severus reached the source of the explosion; someone had cast Reducto, or more likely, several people had. The entire room was blown apart, pieces of torn parchment floating in the air, some flaming, and wood was scattered everywhere, torn to pieces. Nothing was recognizable; not even the Wilkinson's from their photographs. Severus had expected them to be well kempt and healthy. Instead, they looked ragged and as if they'd been through the mill in the past year or more.

Still, they flourished their wands, Mr. Wilkinson panting, a smirk still on his face as in between defending himself, he breathed out, "The Order will be here soon, mark my words, you monsters." His auburn hair was singed from the explosion, burns on his face and cuts across arms. Glasses lay askew on his face, the lens cracked, but he still reached out and grabbed his wife's hand, pulling her close as they dueled.

Severus took his place standing guard for the Order; he never really did enjoy torturing their victims… leaving that to men like Rosier and Avery mostly, though Bellatrix had her own fetish for it. He tried to not go on jobs with her. He did his best to ignore any screaming or pleas for help, for the Order to get there faster. It was almost a shame that the young couple hadn't joined the Order; they would have been worthy opponents…

Wilkes joined him as they gazed out into the countryside which was forever unaware of the battle so near. The crops still grew and the trees stood still while the almost full moon lit the earth in a soft, cool glow.

"Which one do you want to AK, Snape?" Wilkes said, nudging his shoulder with his own.

Severus sighed, "You know I don't care, Anderson."

He saw Wilkes shrug, "Just thought I'd ask; might change your mind someday, who knows? Anyway, I'll take the woman."

The only reassurance Severus had was the state of Mr. Wilkinson; Crucio'd to blindness, his body writhing on the floor, unintelligible words streaming from his cut mouth, Severus did more of a service for him than a harm. He would never know who had murdered him.

Sticking his wand out towards the pitiful existence, Severus said the two words, ice in his voice, "Avada Kedavra." A green light shot forth from it and made contact with his victim, the body instantly going limp.

He turned to see what was holding Wilkes up when a series of cracks made him cover his ears, clenching his eyes shut.

"Fancy seeing you here, isn't it?"

Severus's eyes popped open; he turned around on the spot, eyeing James Potter, Frank Longbottom, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin… and Lily. He grabbed onto his wand tighter, forcing the pain away like he always did; he just didn't expect all of _them_ to show up here. It wasn't like these… Muggle-borns… _mattered_ in the long run.

"You always did talk too much, Potter," Avery hissed.

"Ah, stooped to petty insults now, have you?" Frank Longbottom said.

Wilkes stepped away from Mrs. Wilkinson's dead body, "The great Longarse speaks now, does he? Why not," –he was the first to cast anything, sending his Langlock jinx at Longbottom—"cut to the chase?"

"Lingaugeo!" Remus Lupin shouted, and all wands were brought out, curses and hexes sent every which way while allies cast counter curses on each other every spare moment.

Severus dueled with Frank Longbottom for several minutes until he heard a body crash to the ground, knocked back by a nonverbal Expelliarmus probably. He turned for a moment—a horrible mistake, though he saw that it was Mulciber who'd been knocked down, the great brute—and the next thing he knew he was tied up with ropes, the Incarcerous spell. His eyes darted around to see who had cast it on him, as he tried in vain to nonverbally cast the counter curse. When he glanced up, he saw James Potter staring down at him.

Stroking his chin as he sent hexes almost mindlessly in the other direction, he said, "You've been quiet, you have. Unlike your friends. You new, scared, doubting? We can take you in, y'know, if you want. You don't have to be a Death Eater."

At that Severus started to laugh uncontrollably, knowing it was his mask that saved him from a more worse fate than being talked to almost _gently_ by Potter. And did he not know that once you were a Death Eater, you were one for life? That was, unless you had a sick desire to die at the hands of maybe, if he felt like it, the Dark Lord himself.

James cursed at him then, bending down to rip his mask off; just as he did, someone came to his rescue and undid the Incarcerous on him. Severus lurched backward and got up to his feet in less than a couple seconds, enraged and pained as he shot curse after hex at Potter.

"Oh, so it was you, Snivelly, was it? I take back what I said—"

Severus shielded off several hexes, sending a few of his own at Potter.

"Take it back, then; I never wanted it, Potter!"

"Hell if I care, Snivellus! I only feel sorry for you, being on the wrong side—"

He laughed as he sent the Conjunctivitus curse at Potter, though Potter managed to deflect it again. They were about evenly matched until Black joined in; Severus snarled, "Two on one again, is it?"

"This isn't Hogwarts, though, Snape," Black growled.

Wilkes thankfully came to his aid sooner rather than later, helping him keep the two Marauders at bay. Most of their spells were silent as they taunted each other, until Potter had the gall to bring Lily into their "conversation."

"Saw you haven't ever tried to send any curses at Lily, Snivellus? Why's that, I wonder?"

Severus glared at him, "Do you want me to, Potter?"

"Oh no, no, I was just wondering, that's all. She's quite capable of taking you on, though. Are you _scared_?"

He would not rise to the bait; he would _not_. Severus felt his chest tighten, his own skill and probably masculinity as well being brought into question during this duel.

"I'd just rather not duel a woman, Potter. Manners, you know? Or maybe not. You never seemed to show any at school." He sneered, sending an Obscuro at James as Black distracted him for an instant. A blindfold wrapped itself tightly around Potter's eyes, and Severus allowed himself a moment of silent gloating before he cast Norricto.

Skin started to grow over Potter's mouth, preventing him from speaking at all. He could only try to speak, as it came out as a deadened incoherent mumble. Severus sneered, "At least _something_ shuts you up, Potter." He sent two more spells Potter's way, Confundus and Condolesco, grinning as he watched his Hogwarts' tormentor suffer.

"We were always each other's special cases, weren't we?" he said as he used his wand to put the Death Eater mask back on. When it was fit snugly back on, Severus cast a binding spell on Potter for good measure before he let his eyes wander again.

He wished he hadn't, though.

Another spell hit him, and he fell back on the ground, disoriented.

"Merlin's beard," he muttered, wondering who could have caught him off-guard like that so easily. When his eyes adjusted again, Severus looked up into the most beautiful green eyes, yet they were filled with such hatred as Lily glared down at him.

She then opened her mouth, "Don't you _ever_ touch my husband again, you filthy scum!"

Severus shrank back; did she even know who she was talking to? Had she been too busy to see his face, hear the old 'nickname' being tossed around, hear his voice? Had she forgotten what he looked like, sounded like?

Yet all he could stammer out was, "H-husband?"

Something dawned on Lily's face, and Severus started to back away on his hands and feet, but she came forward and pulled the mask off—

"Severus?" she asked. He wanted to shut his eyes, make her forget what she'd seen, because he couldn't take the shock on her face or the sickening pity in her eyes—he didn't _want_ pity, least of all from _her_.

Instead, he glared at her, his mouth in a thin line, "You _married_ that git?"

She threw the mask down on the ground, her features changing, "He changed, Sev! Unlike… unlike _you_!" Severus didn't want to see her like this, it was hard enough reliving the other memories after that day he'd called her Mudblood. It was a look of disgust and disappointment she gave him… He thought nothing could be worse than to see her angry, but this…

Severus stood up and grabbed his mask, hearing Avery call out to him, "Still got a thing for the mudblood, don't you, Snape?" It was a taunt, and he wouldn't let them get away with it.

He grit his teeth and cast Caeco and Piphalus on Lily, trying to keep his face neutral as her green eyes were obscured—Caeco gummed them up. As for the other spell, she opened her mouth wide, moaning something about it burning…

Severus watched as James, freed of all the curses put on him, ran to Lily and murmured, "Finite incantatem," over and over again until she returned to normal, her eyes filled with tears as she clutched to James.

He and Potter shared one last look before Wilkes shouted, "Vedilectus!" and in the clouds and fog dispelled from his wand, Severus disapparated from the scene.

He would save his breath this time.

Apologies were useless.

_Too far gone._


End file.
